closing the gap
reveries on cultivating agency
Dear reader,
March is almost behind us and this month I’ve learned that it feels wonderful when the gap between knowing and doing is closed. When the practice follows the theory. There’s this fear I have that at the end of my life someone will tell me everything I did wrong and will show me that I could’ve been better in this or that regard.
In an attempt to make that conversation just a bit shorter, this month has been about actually doing the things I know are good, instead of just wondering what the good things would be. Marcus Aurelius: "Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.”
Although I find this hard to admit, the thing is that I’ve been influenced by the whole “cultivating agency” movement that’s in fashion these days. I think that there are these forces of inertia that we need to fight every day if we want to accomplish anything and I’m trying to do a better job at that. Life is a struggle against this pull of inertia. And I think a good life consists of rejecting immediate gratification — rejecting the short-term pleasure that always comes with long-term costs (an essential property of all vices) and just trying to do the exact opposite as much as possible. Camus: “One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”
I think one can fall into a trap and get stuck in the endless loop of infinite self-analysis and self-reflection without doing anything. Doing all this journaling without doing anything different because of it. This is why I’m skeptical of the effects of therapy where the plan is to get your thinking in order so you can go do things. I think you need to go do things first to get your thinking in order. At least that’s what has always worked for me.
Yes, doing anything can be hard in the dark times, but I’ve always found that the hardest part is not actually doing the thing, but breaking that first wall of not doing anything and deciding to actually do it. Hearing the voice which comes up with thousands of excuses and recognizing it as the voice of defeat and telling it to be quiet is actually the first victory. Sometimes this voice is external, but I find that one easier to ignore.
I think it’s easy to be mistaken with the order of things. Thinking that I’ll skip physical activity because I don’t feel well. Thinking that I’ll skip writing because I don’t have any ideas on what to write about. But, feeling comes after the action and good ideas come when I show some initiative and put the first words on the page. When I show that I don’t look at them with judgement and that I am not afraid of putting them onto the page “even if they prove cockeyed”.1
As always,
Thank you for reading,
Yours,
SH
“The essay thrives on daring, darting flights of thought. You must get in the habit of inviting, not censoring, your most far-fetched, mischievous notions, because even if they prove cockeyed, they may point to an element of truth that would otherwise be inaccessible.” — Phillip Lopate
For a very long time, I had this idea around the wrong way. I felt as thought motivation precedes action. But somehow, I realised it was the other way around: action precedes motivation. I find I tap into a deeper level of energy and excitement once I’m already doing the thing. So much so that I try my best not to even entertain the thoughts that tell me not to start the thing. The thoughts I try to give power to are the once that come once I’m already moving. This is what I aim to do anyway. That is also the idea that leapt to mind when I read your essay, Hrvoje. A great (and thought-provoking) read :)