doubt

By Claude Monet

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

Albert Camus

The cold days have come and the unusually warm November has almost ended and we already put up our Christmas tree. When the weather is gray, when the fog doesn’t clear all day, when the rainstorm washes fallen leaves away — that’s the time when spending time inside is the most pleasurable.

Every season has it’s charm and I’ve learned to appreciate the changing seasons we have here in Europe after getting a different perspective from a fellow writer who moved to Germany from Singapore. This is just another example of the fact of human nature: we don’t appreciate what we already have. As I was making us coffee this morning, I felt grateful for the running water, as we didn’t have it most of the day yesterday. We take literally everything for granted.

I have always thought that I would enjoy living somewhere where the weather doesn’t change as much, but now thinking about it more I realize that I would probably find it boring after a couple of years. There’s something exciting and enlivening in this constant change, in living in accordance with the seasons, in witnessing the years passing. Constant change is the only constant.

The period of doubt that I went through this month has been a sobering experience. Among other things I started doubting if writing personal essays is the right thing to do in my free time. There are a lot of potential downsides. Other writers have described publishing articles online as getting naked in public, since you’re revealing how your mind works and what you think about, and I think that’s even more true for personal writing.

One might accuse personal essays as being overly narcissistic. Shouldn’t I be writing about something else, like technical articles related to my profession? Instead of focusing so much on trying to give you my perspective, shouldn’t I expand it and focus on the exterior world?

Excavating the interior reveals truths that are universal. When I was young I thought everyone was more similar to me, then I got older and realized how much different we all are, and now I think that we are different on the surface, but if you dig deep enough you realize how similar we all are again. We are all so different, we are all so the same. Emerson: “The good writer seems to be writing about himself, but has his eye always on that thread of the Universe which runs through himself and all things.”

What has helped grappling with this doubt is looking at my past and remembering that my teenage self would be satisfied with my current self. He’s the person I don’t want to let down. What has helped is remembering the wisdom of the past and reminding myself that there’s always going to be some doubt and uncertainty. Montaigne: “Only fools have made up their minds and are certain.”

The end of the year has usually been the time when I look at both the future and the past. When the world starts looking like a dark and chaotic place I need to only look at little bit of history to realize that we live in much better times, in the age of abundance and opportunity. The future was never certain and the past is riddled with some very hard times which is why I never liked complaining about the present or worrying about the future. Constant complaining and worrying ruins you. I want to focus on the here and the now and see each day as new. Like children do.